Tuesday 7 December 2021

Tories' new 10 point plan for tackling drugs

The latest announcements can be summarised as follows:

1.       Talk tough to win headlines in the Express and Mail.

2.       Slash spending on drugs treatment and rehabilitation centres.

3.       Talk tough to win headlines in the Express and Mail.

4.       Dress up in hi vis jacket or police sweater and anorak, preferably both. Beanie hats are optional, but help if you really want to extract the urine.

5.       Stand by and watch as the police smash their way through someone’s front door (but avoid mentioning that the individual concerned is, according to the law, innocent at this point).

6.       Talk tough to win headlines in the Express and Mail.

7.       Announce the partial restoration of the cuts imposed under 2 above.

8.       When the strategy fails, blame the previous government. Even if it was your own party. Especially if it was your own party.

9.       Talk tough to win headlines in the Express and Mail.

10.   Repeat steps 1 – 9 above on an infinite loop. 

The slight difference in the current iteration of the strategy is the proposal to confiscate the passports of middle-class users. Working class users are assumed not to possess passports, and billionaires don’t need them, as they can buy their way into any country. There will, of course, be an important unstated caveat to any proposed punishment of middle class users.. In the event that it emerges that any Tory minister or donor is known to have used drugs, any or all of the following additional rules will apply:

1.    They are exempt. Just because they are.

2.    The crime was committed in the past and is therefore not worth investigating.

3.    Ministers will be given the right to overrule any court decision with which they disagree.

That should divert attention for a while.


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