Monday, 20 December 2021

Choosing the right border to control


Historically, by-elections are a poor guide to anything of much import. However much anyone tries to generalise, the reality is that there are always unique factors in play which won’t necessarily be in play when a general election comes along, even if the ‘special factor’ is no more than the overall context in which the by-election is held. The result is that pundits and politicians can draw their own conclusions on the flimsiest of premises. And that brings us to John Redwood, a man whose principal claim to fame in Wales relates to his amazing crooning ability. His interpretation of the Shropshire North by-election last week is that it was the result of the government wandering away from the one true path of Conservatism, by increasing taxes and spending. Apparently, the electorate voted against the Tories because they wanted more austerity. Maybe his rather dodgy approach to logic is just another failing attempt to persuade us that he isn’t a Vulcan after all.

Talking of ministers from distant planets, Liz Truss has now been placed in charge of Brexit, a minor part time task which she will be required to perform whenever she isn’t on tank-driving duty following cuts to the UK’s armed forces. Her appointment will be bad news for cheese importers. It’s probably good news for Boris Johnson, however – placing the minister who is, by the strange alien logic of the Tory Party, his likeliest successor, in a role in which it is inherently impossible to succeed might buy him a bit more time to reduce the UK’s population whilst enjoying the party atmosphere at Downing Street. Whether it’s good news for anyone else is highly dubious, although Truss’s capacity to make things worse is significantly lessened by the extent to which things are already extremely bad in the Brexit department. And she can always call on Liam Fox (planet of origin currently unknown) to help with a major push to sell jam and marmalade abroad. Maybe she’ll even appoint him as a special envoy, selling ice to eskimos for the purposes of.

Meanwhile, the Sontaran in charge of health in England seems to be deliberately trying to undermine the message being given out by Number 10 about there being no more restrictions by talking up the possibility of imposing further curbs within days. Whether it’s all part of a cunning plan to rule by sowing confusion and division, or whether it’s simply the result of chaos and incompetence is a matter on which people will hold different opinions. Mere earthlings, given our inability to comprehend intergalactic logic, will probably tend towards the latter explanation.

In truth, of course, it’s all – everything – our own collective fault. Electing a bunch of aliens with no conception of ordinary human values, concerns, morality, or way of life to govern us was always going to be a bad idea. Electing aliens from a host of different planets with conflicting objectives who can’t even agree with each other was an even worse one. If we want to prevent a repeat in the future, one obvious step is to move the UK’s border forces away from patrolling ports and airports and set up an iron cordon around a certain school near Windsor which apparently acts as the HQ for the programme to convert human beings into aliens. If there was ever a border over which we needed to take back control, that is surely it. And it’s a lot shorter and easier to control than the UK’s coastline.

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