Sunday 4 September 2022

The Omigod variant


It’s not clear precisely when the disease first struck. Theresa May suffered from an early onset variant with her proposal for what became known as a dementia tax, a proposal so poorly thought through that it was abandoned within days of making contact with the real world. The disease, which manifests itself as a tendency to announce policies first and think about the implications later, spread rapidly under Johnson and seems destined to reach its zenith under Truss. The disease vector seems to be the Conservative Party; there is no known cure and no hope of a vaccine, not least because all those who offered any such hope were promptly driven out. The prognosis (for the patient) varies from bad (a lengthy period in opposition) to worse (political oblivion). For the rest of us, that’s the good news.

The bad news is that we have a remaining period of up to two and a half years when the disease will continue to work its way through the body of the Conservative Party and during which we will have increasingly bizarre announcements made. Whilst Johnson seemed to have developed a curious form of semi-immunity under which policies would be announced and then simply forgotten (bridges, anyone?), it appears that Truss has a bad case and enjoys no such immunity. Instead of quietly abandoning mad proposals, it is believed that she will actually attempt to implement them, egged on by the fringe elements in her party which have caught the even more serious Omigod variant.

The medical experts are clear that the disease is unlikely to spread outside the confines of the Conservative Party as long as we all attempt to retain some sort of hold on reality and truth, but are unable to offer us much by way of protection from the consequences of the actions of the infected. It is thought possible, however, that concerted collective action might help. Escaping the asylum would be a good start.

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